Erwaman's Personal Journal - July 2006

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   I've been trying to improve my verbal and writing skills by doing practice verbal and writing sections. However, in my opinion, those sections are much harder than math! I've done six individual sections of verbal and done two essay prompts, and I haven't even scored perfect on any individual section, let alone all the sections of one type on one test. For the verbal sections, I always end up with anywhere between 1 and 5 incorrect, and both my essays have been between a 4 and a 5 based on my self-grading (which is probably fairly inaccurate; I'm likely to be too generous towards myself). For the multiple choice questions, usually one incorrect answer is careless one, but all the others are honest mistakes. The answer key also shows the difficulty (E(asy), M(edium), or H(ard)) of each question, and though it's usually the M or H questions that throw me off, sometimes I get the E questions wrong, too. There are some H questions to which the answer seems obvious to me, while on the other hand there are some E questions I end up overthinking and getting wrong. When I go back and review the questions I got wrong, I usually end up doing massive analysis before I understand the logic that points to the correct answer. I find it amazing that some people can comprehend the logic of the reading passages the first time taking a verbal section in the short amount of time they give you and pick all the right answers.

   In other news, I think I've realized just how much I love math and math-based sciences. Today, my physics teacher was talking about endorphins in the brain and how they affect your emotions. Mr. Wallace said that when doing physics problems, after he's drawn the diagrams and worked through the logic in the problem and has come up with one nice, final equation that he can just plug numbers into and chug out an answer from using the calculator, the part of his brain that releases endorphines gives off a pleasurable feeling that in words would be something like "Ah...how nice." What he loves so much about physics is these equations that explain with numbers how the world works. He just finds that so incredibly interesting and satisfying. Well, I think that I share similar feelings. I've always been a curious person ("Curiosity is the cure for boredom. There is no cure for curiosity." - Ellen Parr) and I often wonder how the world works and how things function in nature. Well, numbers - math and science - help to explain these things, and in learning math and science, I derive joy and satisfaction from being able to comprehend more about the world around me. I find it so fascinating. I also never cease to be impressed by the great mathematicians and scientists of the past who invented all the forms of mathematics and made such great scientific discoveries and observations. It beffudles me how the human mind could have come up with such equations, formulae, and explanations. They say, "Numbers don't lie," so working with numbers helps me find answers and truths or laws. One quote that I really like is something John McCarthy said: "He who refuses to do arithmetic is doomed to talk nonsense." I guess what is so appealing about numbers then is that once you understand them things make so much more sense.

   In Writing Workshop class a couple days ago, we read two chapters from Richard Restak's Mozart's Brain and the Fighter Pilot. Though we were studying these passages as an introduction to writing expository essays, I just felt that the articles were very interesting in any case, so I wanted to share:

   At this point, I was hyperventilating, extremely dizzy, and desperately needed to use a bathroom. I approached Coach Perry to ask her where the bathrooms were just as I spotted two portable bathrooms at the end of the field. I wobbled down the field, feeling ready to faint at any moment. Fortunately, I made it and there was nobody inside them. Let me explain what happened inside the portable bathroom by saying I might have kidney problems. It was extremely painful. Additionally, it was unbearably hot inside, and once again, I felt on the verge of fainting.

   I managed to get outside again, but I knew I wouldn't be able to make it back to Coach Perry. I was so dizzy that I could have fallen over on the spot, and my abdominal region was on fire, hurting beyond anything I've ever experienced. Breathing was painful and I could barely walk. The closest thing to me was a low fence, and I was able to limp over to the fence post and sit down. I motioned for my dad to come to me. This was the first time I had sat down since I exited the car before the race, and during the time it took for my dad to walk over to me, I experienced the most dreadful sensations.

   A painful throbbing occurred in my head, along with dizziness that continued. I felt as if all my muscles were collapsing from fatigue and I could not move. Pain spread throughout my body and a continuous feeling of having the wind knocked out of me overwhelmed me. I honestly felt ready to die. I swear that my life flashed before my eyes during these moments - my friends, my family, and significant experiences in my life all passed through my mind. I felt so insignificant and powerless and hopeless and cowardly; I felt that there was no more point to my life. I experienced a feeling that is incomprehensible to me now as I reflect back only half an evening ago, but I describe it as a feeling of deathlike paralysis. It was certainly the worst sensation I have ever known in my existence. For those who have seen the movie A Clockwork Orange, I compare my feelings to those that Alex must have experienced as he was undergoing treatment through the Ludovico technique. I was certain that I was going to lose consciousness at any moment and wake up in the ER or perhaps not wake up at all. I was more frightened than I have ever been.

   My dad arrived by my side, but the ghastly feelings continued. I must have remained on that fence post for at least fifteen minutes. My dad brought me water, cherries, and a towel. After fifteen minutes, I still felt awful and like the biggest coward in the world. I was still dizzy and painful, though at a lesser extent, and my muscles were so unresponsive that I could barely loosen my shoelaces. I stood up and tried walking, but it was as difficult as it is to keep running at a fast pace after you have been doing so for over two miles. At a turtle's pace, we finally made it to the car, and my dad opened the door for me. I climbed onto the seat and reclined. The awful feelings were still there, and every movement pained me. I knew I should say good-bye to Coach Perry and Deuce (Mr. Perry), but the horrible feelings prevented me from moving. I stayed in the car for over ten minutes before I was able to muster the strength to walk again.

   I finally got out of the car with my dad and hobbled over to the tent where Coach Perry and Deuce were. I barely had the strength to talk, so I kind of just looked at her. I think Mrs. Perry felt kind of awkward because she kept smiling and making comments about the race. Anyways, she encouraged me to have some pizza, so I did, and then she told me that Deuce and she had to leave because Deuce needed to head over to the airport at 5 AM tomorrow (or rather today) for a flight to Miami. They left, and I just stood there with my father for about five minutes, just trying to focus some energy. I was finally starting to feel a bit better, so I had some soda and then we left.

   I have many theories as to why these wretched feelings occurred. I believe the primary reason was the fact that I arrived at the field late, so I had no time to warm-up. I just rushed to had in my registration form, and about ten seconds after I got in line for the start of the race, an announcer said, "Runners, take your marks." Without any warm-up, my body was definitely very unprepared. Additionally, I definitely started off way too fast. Further reasons include the fact that I am far from my best shape, I was sore from running by myself on Sunday, and I did not do a light run plus a good stretch yesterday (Monday, technically two days ago now). Still more possible reasons include lack of sleep the previous night, not eating enough carbohydrates before the race, taking a nap in the afternoon and waking up only an hour and ten minutes before the race, and dehydration during the race. Thus, I am certainly going to be more careful in the future when it comes to running. Additionally, I will try to treat my body more kindly and listen to it more closely during the running.