This is Alice Kim's Web-Based Writer's Portfolio. It was posted and designed by Anthony Hsu (Erwaman). This is the first reflective commentary.

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Reflective Commentary

Cafeteria Follies

     I feel Cafeteria Follies turned out exceptionally well. It had the perfect amount of description, and no run-on sentences at all. This composition was probably the best one I had written this marking period. Cafeteria Follies has that kind of nostalgic feel that makes the reader yearn for the times when he/she was “young and reckless.” For example, Julie’s homeroom had a food fight with Hector’s class during lunch, when the teachers were out of sight. I desperately wished for my grade to be as wild and carefree as theirs.

     There weren’t any parts giving me trouble in Cafeteria Follies. This composition worked out beautifully, except for the revision requirements, which was to combine four sentences into two. Before, in the draft, it was: Today was the big day. Everybody in the class waited patiently for Miss Jacobson to finish her mindless droning, contorting their faces into adept listening expressions. I, meanwhile, was staring at the clock, wishing the final bell to ring. Hector Young, one of my closest buddies, leaned over and whispered in an anxious tone. Afterward, in the revision it was: Today was the big day, and everyone in the class waited patiently for Miss Jacobson to finish her mindless droning, contorting their faces into adept listening expressions. I, meanwhile, was staring at the clock, wishing the final bell to ring, as Hector Young, one f my closest buddies, leaned over and whispered in an anxious tone. I felt the draft was fine the way it was, and I was a bit reluctant to change it. The two revised sentences only made the introduction unbearably long and boring. It seemed to ‘suffocate’ the beginning.

     I was very satisfied with my peers’ responses to Cafeteria Follies. They thought it was a very entertaining piece, especially with the melodramatic scene of Hector lying on the floor, caked with nasty food.

     There are a lot of areas I wish to improve in my writing, but the significant one would probably be to not go on and on in my sentences. I have a tendency to do that. For instance: Everybody in the class waited patiently for Miss Jacobson to finish her mindless droning, contorting their faces into adept listening expressions. I should have broken the sentence down, with: Everybody in the class waited patiently for Miss Jacobson to finish her mindless droning. They were all contorting their faces into adept listening expressions. That would have given the reader a bit of breath before continuing on with the story.

     I like my writing because it is very different from everyone else’s. I like to enhance my sentences a bit more than others, since I know now how important adjectives are to the story. I always try to catch the interest of the reader by saying something funny, such as Hector and Julie conversing in a sort of retro ‘70s talk. For example:

     “Hey Julie, you OK, girl?”

     “Hector, of course I’m OK. I feel like I’m gonna pass out from sheer boredom, but other than that, I think I’m gonna make it. Why?”

     “Well, you kinda look…rigid.”

     “Jeez, Hector, what are you talking about, man?”

     “There’s something red on your chin, girl, and you looked like you were trying to burn holes in that poor clock. Something sinking your boat, sister?”

     I always appreciate feedback from teachers and peers. Cafeteria Follies was a very rewarding composition that taught me many particular things, such as run-on sentences and proper usage of adjectives. I would really appreciate it if I received comments on how my sentence format is, or if my words are too repetitive.

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